if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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