the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
