Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
