I wish my penis had an off switch
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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