The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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