I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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