they need to just BURY HIM!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
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