We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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