Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
