i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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