She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
