I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
