my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
