How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
