Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
