she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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