I accidentally had phone sex last night
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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