I look better un-naked...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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