i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
