I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
