I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
