I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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