Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
