I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
