two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
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