my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
