That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
