I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize