Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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