There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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