Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
he fucked my hip out of place.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
