I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
