I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
