Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
