apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
