Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
