Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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