new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We need to get me chipped asap
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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