I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
