If i come over, it means nothing
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize