come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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