Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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