I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
