if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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