why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
