New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
