Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
