So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
NoShamevember. You game?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
