Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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