Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
