I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
