He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He did a backflip because drugs
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