a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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