I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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